This is an email someone sent me today. Whether it's true or not, it is definately funny!
Enjoy!
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>This is just too darn funny not to pass on!!!!!
>Dear Friends,
>
>My wife Kathy is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
>something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone
>myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a
>LifeTime movie in the near
>future. Here goes.
>
>Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
>fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something
>really cool for Kathy. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
>looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a
>100,000-volt,
>pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not
>familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
>designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low
>amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short
>lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you
>adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb.
>Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
>goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen
>one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
>
>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
>triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
>disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I
>found much to
>my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the
>prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I
>pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the
>blue arch of electricity
>darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I
>did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
>Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to
>explain to Kathy what
>that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat
>in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul),
>reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really
>needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought
>about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She
>is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going
>to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
>some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to
>think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
>perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in
>another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
>your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
>loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
>assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at
>this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
>circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
>thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
>Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>
>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those
>of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm
>sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,
>"don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil'
>ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the
>circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst
>just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like
>hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact,
>even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
>
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through
>the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the
>carpet over and over again.
>I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire,
>testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my
>ZZZbody in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds
>I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself,
>"do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself
>with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst
>when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
>dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if
>you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like
>yours truly.)
>
>SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was
>a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
>sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of
>the fireplace. How did they
>get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching.
>My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
>88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>
>By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering
>a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must
>say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
Enjoy!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>This is just too darn funny not to pass on!!!!!
>Dear Friends,
>
>My wife Kathy is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
>something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone
>myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a
>LifeTime movie in the near
>future. Here goes.
>
>Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
>fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something
>really cool for Kathy. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
>looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a
>100,000-volt,
>pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not
>familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
>designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low
>amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short
>lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you
>adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb.
>Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
>goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen
>one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
>
>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
>triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
>disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I
>found much to
>my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the
>prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I
>pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the
>blue arch of electricity
>darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I
>did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
>Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to
>explain to Kathy what
>that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat
>in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul),
>reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really
>needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought
>about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She
>is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going
>to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
>some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to
>think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
>perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in
>another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
>your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
>loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
>assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at
>this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
>circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
>thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
>Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>
>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those
>of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm
>sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,
>"don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil'
>ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the
>circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst
>just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like
>hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact,
>even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
>
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through
>the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the
>carpet over and over again.
>I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire,
>testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my
>ZZZbody in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds
>I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself,
>"do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself
>with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst
>when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
>dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if
>you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like
>yours truly.)
>
>SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was
>a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
>sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of
>the fireplace. How did they
>get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching.
>My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
>88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>
>By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering
>a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must
>say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
